In the wake of the seemingly never-ending stream of public confessions, I figure it was only a matter of time before my indiscretions came to light. A lot of you know me as a wholesome, mild mannered newspaper columnist. My columns are mostly family friendly. I do not use profanity and such in my column. The issue isn’t so much with the column, but with me. I have led a double life and before it leaks in this very paper, I am going to get out in front of it and own up to the cross that I have to bear. You see, folks, I am a sax addict.
I know what you are thinking. Some of you are shocked and I don’t blame you. Some of you are so sickened that you will never look at me again. My wife and daughters are without words. I felt it was time that I come clean and let all of you know of my sax addiction.
Some of you are thinking that sax is relaxing and fun. The truth is folks, I have had sax outside of my marriage. I have had sax when I am home alone. I have enjoyed sax in my car. I have enjoyed sax with both women and men. I have enjoyed sax in public. Before I met my wife, there was plenty of premarital sax. I have enjoyed sax with multiple people at the same time. With technology these days, I can enjoy extramarital sax virtually and anonymously. It only gets worse, my friends.
I have enjoyed non-consensual sax on many occasions. I find it amusing when someone who does not enjoy sax as much as I do is subjected to unexpected sax. I don’t shy away from sax and I try to encourage those around me to be open and honest about sax and be free with what they enjoy. I am enjoying sax as I write this column, and I don’t care what disturbing mental picture that provides for you.
For many years, I was saxually unfulfilled until I met a young woman in a record store some 30-odd years ago. I was young and inexperienced when it came to sax, and taking my hand, she led me into the great unknown. From that moment on, I read about sax, I watched sax, I got my hands on all the sax I could. As I got older, I realized there were many kinds of sax and I was determined to try them all. There was smooth sax, hot sax, funky sax. I particularly enjoyed long and slow sax, for it was the most relaxing and fulfilling.
This already feels as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel liberated and free. I know a lot of you will think of me differently from now on, and I understand that. I can breathe easy. I can walk with my head high and know that there are others like me and I am not alone. This is something I can live with. I resolve today that I will not give up and I will get my sax issues under control. I just have to redirect my attentions when I start feeling horn- um, excited.
Folks, thanks for reading this nonsense. I listen to music when I write the column and the majority of the time it is instrumental jazz. It allows me to shut out the world and write in peace. I hope each one of you got a little guilty giggle out of this week’s column. As you all know, there is a lot going on in the world these days. I think a little goofiness is needed. For those of you that read all of those particular words with an “e” instead of an “a.” you should be ashamed of yourselves. Say a couple of Hail Marys and you should be good to go.
Join me next time when I tackle a tough topic: Lawlessness and violins in our streets.
Award-winning columnist Joe Weaver, a native of Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes on the lighter side of family life.
