Home Lifestyle COLUMN: Miss Universe leaves out Uranus (and other ‘best of’ misnomers)

COLUMN: Miss Universe leaves out Uranus (and other ‘best of’ misnomers)

One of the advantages of taking every other week off from the column is I can sit down and actually think about what I am going to write about the following week. Now that I have a little more time, I can carefully cultivate top-flight entertainment and humor for you. 

Well, in my brain it’s top-flight entertainment, but in reality it most likely will be the usual type of lowbrow humor and such. 

Once in a while, like the week before last, I will try to tackle a current topic, but that brings me dangerously close to journalism and we can’t have that. The editors would have to give me a raise and we all know how tight editors are with money. 

When I was planning this week’s column, a number of thoughts came to me and somehow I managed to put them all together in once cohesive concept. That would have been grand if I had made some notes and actually remembered what it was. To make a long story short, you’re not getting that one and you are getting this one. 

I was talking with my buddy Paul and we were going on about championship sports teams. He has his favorites and I sort of have mine and we were comparing the pros and cons of each when it dawned on me that none of the teams had earned the right to be world champions. 

Let’s take the New England Patriots, for instance. They have won a Super Bowl. So have other teams. Upon winning, these teams are called World Champions and they run off to Disney World — or Land, depending on whether they are an east or west coast team. 

Think about it, though. They really aren’t world champions, but they are simply champions of the United States. To be World Champions, they would have to beat all the other teams in the world to earn the title.

Back to the New England Patriots, who have been World Champions a couple of times. I did not once see the New England Patriots play a football team from France or Germany or Japan or Morocco to become the champions of the world. Discounting the fact that football in France and Germany and Japan and Morocco is an entirely different sport, the New England Patriots are not World Champions. 


Tom Brady used to play for the New England Patriots. He is regarded by many as the “Greatest Of All Time.” Well, that’s kinda dumb because eventually someone will come along and be a better player and Tom will no longer be the greatest of all time, so in a way, he does not qualify for it now. Sure, he’s married to a supermodel and has won a couple of Super Bowls and such, but he is “The Greatest For The Time Being Until Someone Better Comes Along.”

 I know this is going to anger some New England Patriots fans, but sometimes the truth is a bitter pill. 

Another concept that gets me is the Miss Universe pageant. There have been Miss Universes from every corner of the globe. Small nations and big nations, there have been a lot of Misses Universe. Or is it Miss Universes like I said previously? Regardless, the Miss Universe people have neglected something that is quite obvious. 

Think about it for a minute. The universe is quite large, right? You might even suggest that it is infinite. Taking that into consideration, would you not suppose that the Miss Universe pageant is being a little short-sighted in only accepting contestants from, well, Earth?

It really should be called the Miss Earth pageant because we have overlooked contestants from Mercury, Venus, Saturn and even Neptune. I would have mentioned Uranus, but everyone giggles when I say “Uranus.” I don’t know if there even is a Miss Uranus pageant, but if there was, I imagine there might be some giggling every time someone said “Uranus.” Miss Uranus doesn’t even sound like a beauty pageant. It sounds like wrong directions. 

I reached out to last year’s winner of the Miss Jupiter contest for a comment and she laughed at me. I had gotten my notes wrong and called the winner of the Jupiter, Florida, contest instead. I asked her if she had any contacts on Jupiter and she said I was an idiot and she didn’t want me calling her anymore. I have left messages for the pageant winners on Saturn, Mars, and a few others in the universe and I will let you know when I have some answers. I even probed Uranus. 

I’ll bet you a dollar you are giggling right now. 

Joe Weaver, a native of Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes on the lighter side of family life.



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