I have had difficulty lately coming up with new and fresh topics for the column. When you write a column pretty much every week for five years, you have to be conscious of repetition. Repetition of not only topics, but jokes, one-liners and anecdotes as well.
My biggest fear is a reader sending me a letter telling me he or she already heard about my neighbor’s lawn mower that sounds like a 1969 Mustang or how much I don’t like gourmet coffee with funny names.
I am warning you now, I am revisiting a topic I touched on a couple of years ago. While the topic might be repeated and the format might be repeated, I assure you I spent at least 40 seconds thinking up the gags for this one. I’m hiding in the den, away from my wife and our cats to bring you a few minutes and about 800 words of pure comedy gold.
Remember a couple of years ago when I wrote about asking readers for suggestions for topics? Well, it’s that time again. If you didn’t like it last time, I would have suggested you skip my column and go right to the sports page. However, COVID-19 pretty much shut down a lot of sports, so you’re gonna have to skip right to those stuffed shirts who write the bridge column.
There is a reader in Wilson, North Carolina who once again has suggested I retire from the column. He doesn’t think I am funny at all and does not believe anyone reads the stuff I write.
Thank you, sir, for your suggestion. I do not plan on retiring from the column anytime soon. I enjoy writing the column as much as you enjoy not liking it. Your suggestion as to what I could do to a rolling donut was duly noted, but I would like to see you try it first.
It was suggested that I go on a ride-along with some of our local police officers. I think this is a fine idea as I think the readers should hear firsthand just how hard these men and women work. It would be great to see them get some good press for a while. Additionally, it would be new and exciting for me to see a police car from the front seat for change.
I got an email from a Mrs. Evelyn Fader (of the Spring Hope Faders, I was informed) asking if I could do an exposé on the whole “16 ounces by volume” deal on the sides of potato chip bags. Her claim is the potato chip people know they are only putting about 3 ounces of actual chips in a 16-ounce bag and charging for a whole pound of chips. Mrs. Fader was kind enough to send me photos of a one pound potato and a 16-ounce bag of potato chips to prove her point. I was told that “America needs to know what kind of scam is being perpetuated on the general public.”
Note: there is not a real Evelyn Fader. Mrs Roslyn Schweizer asked that I used a fake name instead of her own so she wasn’t outed to her social circle.
The dog next door asked me why I always write about cats and not dogs. I told him politely that I don’t have a dog and only have cats. He told me I could have always come next door and asked him if he wanted to be in the paper. I asked if he had any prior newspaper experience and he said he did when he was a puppy, but now goes out into the yard.
I got calls from both presidential campaigns asking if I would like to write about their candidates. I politely declined and let them know I wrote all my own stale material and didn’t need any submissions from amateurs. I suggested they try Reader’s Digest. If they get published, they might get $50 and their name in print.
As always, folks, please keep the suggestions coming. Who knows, you just might get a call from a big-time newspaper columnist. If they don’t call, maybe I will.
Joe Weaver, a native of Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes on the lighter side of family life.
