Home Opinion COLUMN: The best way to prepare mermaid and other absurd thoughts

COLUMN: The best way to prepare mermaid and other absurd thoughts

I have been thinking of a lot of absurd things lately. When I say absurd, I mean really out there. Goofy. Wacko. Loony Tunes. The stuff I am thinking of could and probably should get me committed. 

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad, but it’s a little more than your garden variety- ridiculous. A lot of you are thinking that I am already a little absurd and that this column is a testament to the absurd. I would probably agree with you. I would add that the whole notion of the column is absurd. As I mentioned at a public speaking engagement this week, this column was supposed to be a one-time thing and not last for five years.

I posted something on Facebook a few days ago that is a prime example of this. Work with me here and see if this makes any kind of sense. Let’s say you are fishing — it doesn’t matter where — and you catch a mermaid. No, I don’t know what kind of bait you use to catch a mermaid nor do I know what kind of rod and reel you would use. That’s not the point. A mermaid is half fish and half girl. This we already know. Is the top half red meat or is it all fish? 

Is a mermaid some kind of ready-made surf ‘n’ turf that you can just get on a hook and reel in?

Is it cannibalism to eat a mermaid? I mean, she’s not actually a person and mostly a fish, so what’s a guy with a lemon and some tartar sauce to do? 

We’re not talking about Daryl Hannah from that movie or that cute red-haired mermaid from the Disney stuff. Who’s to say that a mermaid has to be a pretty girl. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that a real mermaid would look like a cross between Janet Reno and a catfish. 

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Another thing that has been in my head is the whole thing about making paste with water and flour. If you add a couple of eggs and some milk, you get cake. Where does the paste go? Is it holding the cake together? Does anyone want to eat paste cake? I don’t think so and that’s why we add frosting and stuff to make it palatable. 

I don’t think I am unusual in these thoughts. We all have those things that stick in our heads at the worst times, like when we are trying to fall asleep or sitting in church or trying to fall asleep sitting in church. I fall asleep occasionally when we go to church. My wife told me it was impolite to fall asleep in church until I pointed out one time when her father was two seats down from me sound asleep. I won’t say he was snoring but I can tell you with good authority what the Lord’s Prayer sounds like with a creaky old door as accompaniment. 

I don’t know if it is a blessing or a curse to have these random thoughts pop into my head and keep me wondering for days. I usually share them with my wife who simply shakes her head at the things I have come up with. I’m certain she is tired of hearing about mermaid surf ‘n’ turf and paste cake. She usually just lets it pass and ignores it unless it embarrasses her. She’s a pretty good sport most of the time and I don’t usually embarrass her. 

This past week, I was the guest of the Rotary Club in Wilson. I’d like to thank them for inviting me to speak before them on Monday. I had a wonderful time and meeting everyone was a treat and an honor for me. The lunch was delicious and the company was outstanding. I’m not an experienced public speaker, but the folks of the Rotary Club welcomed us very warmly.

For the record, I had an excellent chicken salad sandwich on rye. They apparently were out of mermaid. 

Joe Weaver, a native of Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes on the lighter side of family life.

 

 

 



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