Friday, 22 November 2019 18:40

COLUMN: Christmas movies starting much to early

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I was looking through the TV listings — well, that scrolling thing on the television that tells you the television schedule — and I noticed that now, one week before Thanksgiving, the Christmas shows and movies have begun to appear. 

It's not like the odd, random event, but some are starting a full-blown onslaught of Christmas movies of the Lifetime and Hallmark Channel variety. You know the type. 

They all have a young woman in them working over the holidays for a tyrant of a boss who happens to be incredibly good looking and that boss is determined to keep her away from her family at the holidays but they fall in love only to have a great misunderstanding that causes her to lose her job and he shows up unexpectedly in her small hometown and professes his love for her and also gives her a promotion. 

Yes, I am fully aware that was a run-on sentence, but how else were you going to experience the breathless urgency these movies treat unexpected romance? 

I do know that none of these are supposed to be taken all too seriously and the people that watch them know all the plots are the same. I do know they exist to give B-list actors and such a paycheck. This is also a wonderful time to see your favorite soap opera actors in prime time doing what they do best — looking fantastic and acting badly. 

I have not looked at the statistics, but I am pretty certain the ratings for Lifetime and the Hallmark Channel soar this time of year. I guess it gives some people something else to do other than knitting little holiday sweaters for their house full of cats. 

I have been given the task of searching out alternate programming for those who are tired of the same old holiday stuff. Listed below are a few choices for your holiday viewing:

  • “Christmas In Washington” FOX -90 Minutes: A star-studded, bipartisan extravaganza featuring your favorite politicians from both sides of the aisle. Watch as Republican and Democratic Senators decorate the White House Christmas Tree with red and blue lights. They'll have to work together, because as they are very aware, things just don't hang themselves. Highlights include the Bernie Sanders Gift Exchange and The House Ethics Committee's rendition of “Do You Hear What I Hear?”
  • “The Chuck Norris Christmas Spectacular (Live From Texas) CMT- 60 Minutes: Celebrate Christmas with America's favorite action hero. Join Chuck and his guests Steven Seagal and the cast of The Expendables as they beat up Donny Osmond, Marie Osmond, Michael Buble, the cast of the Broadway musical “Newsies” and Ryan Seacrest. 
  • “Khristmas With The Kardashians” VH1- 30 Minutes. No one wants to watch this. I don't even know why this is a thing. Why are they famous? Watch the Chuck Norris thing instead. Or read a book. Or watch mud dry. 

These are only a few of the many choices you have on television this holiday season. Of course, the networks are trotting out the same old chestnuts they show every year. Of course, there are the children's shows. You have Rudolph and Frosty and I'm pretty sure Santa Claus is still coming to town.

We have a roster of movies we watch every year in our house. Some of them are true Christmas movies, but some just take place around Christmas. We believe “Die Hard” and “Lethal Weapon” are Christmas movies. There has been some debate lately about whether either of them really are, but we like to think so. I just found out my wife has never seen “Miracle On 34th Street.” I know there are multiple versions, but the only one for me is the 1947 version. To me, that means the Christmas season has begun. 

We don't watch the true Christmas movies until after Thanksgiving. There aren't too many Thanksgiving movies, though. Someone oughta do something about that. 

Joe Weaver, a native of Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he (usually) writes on the lighter side of family life.