Friday, 18 September 2020 12:48

COLUMN: My choice for president will change the world

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Once again, America has found itself at crunch time. We are a stone's throw from another presidential election. 


I never realized it before, but the campaign for president is a pretty boring thing until you get down to the final month or two when it comes down to two people. Early on, it's not such a thrill. 

I think the Democrats had 300 candidates this go-round. Eventually, that would be pared down of course, but the field at the starting gate was quite large. 

The Republican field was incredibly memorable and by that, I mean the incumbent is a Republican and I don't think anyone actually expects to unseat an incumbent president of their own party. We journalists — and I use the term “journalist” like some of the candidates throughout history have used the term “candidate” — have traditionally chosen a candidate to endorse, whether our respective newspapers endorse the same candidate. The newspaper can endorse (or not endorse) any candidate of their choosing and I am not obligated to endorse the same candidate. It would be convenient if it worked out that way, and sometimes it does. 

As the paper has not publicly endorsed a candidate, I think I will beat them to the punch and endorse a candidate for the first time in my journalistic career. I don't know how persuasive I can be, but I just might sway one or two of you to see my point and jump on the bandwagon. 

For those of you who think I am endorsing Joe Biden, you can stop reading now. I am not endorsing former Vice President Biden for president. 

Okay, you Trump supporters simmer down. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. I am not endorsing President Trump for president. 

For the one or two of you that vote green party, Libertarian Party, Communist Party, birthday party, bachelor party or pity party, you're out of the running as well. 

Indulge me for a few minutes and I will present a case for a candidate that can actually solve the problems of our nation and our world. 

Imagine a president that can make definitive change on not only a national level, but on a global, if not galactic level. Imagine a president that can rid society of all its ills. Poverty will be a thing of the past. Hunger, nonexistent. There will be no racism or sexism. There will be no religious hatred. There will be no pollution, global warming, or squandering of precious natural resources. Society gets a second chance, a reboot if you will. 

We need a leader that can propel us into the future with fire and energy. We need a leader that can not only reboot our earth, but push us into the heavens and beyond. That leader, my friends and readers, has found its time in the spotlight. 

The candidate I have chosen to throw my support and endorsement behind has been discussed before in previous elections, but not until now, 2020, has this candidate reached a level where they can actually help our nation and our world. 

I endorse Giant Meteor for president. 

Giant Meteor can save our nation. Okay, he will actually turn the nation and most of the planet into a big crater, but that's a hell of a lot better than the smoldering dumpster fire we are living in now. Giant Meteor will bring both Dempublicans and Republocrats together. Granted, everything will be turned to ash and jettisoned into space, but look at the positive side: We get to start over. 

Read that again.

We. Get. To. Start. Over. 

What's better than fixing something that can't be fixed? A new start. 

Remember when your husband kept trying to fix that lawn mower that he bought in the summer of '75 and still tries to use 45 years later even though he can't get it to run for more than five minutes at a time until it smokes and belches and stops and he can't get parts for it because he bought it at Montgomery Ward and not only is the mower defunct, so is Montgomery Ward? 

Same thing. 

Tell the nation to junk the old mower and buy a new one. 

Giant Meteor promises that and more. 

We have got this opportunity in the palms of our hands and we can't let it go. All the time, we hear from NASA that there is some colossal hunk of space rock hurtling toward earth and we get a bunch of guys led by Bruce Willis to fly up and give it the old one-two punch before it wipes us out. Bring it on. Bring on Giant Meteor. 

2020 has given us a lot to think about. 2020 has been a rollercoaster ride of nonsense from just about everywhere. We have seen just about enough. We have been quarantined, masked, tested, poked, prodded and seen possibly the most ridiculous year in recent history. 

We want change. We want something different. Bring on Giant Meteor. 

(This message is the opinion of the columnist and does not necessarily represent the view of the newspaper. The columnist has not received any payment for his endorsement. Really, you think a giant meteor has money? It's not like it carries a wallet or anything. You need pockets for that.)

Joe Weaver, a native of Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes on the lighter side of family life.